“I haven’t washed my hands in 20 years and a bunch of fucking pigs aren’t going to prompt me to break that streak.”

“Bob Dylan: Annoying in the best of circumstances, excruciating when broadcast on a broken stereo system.”

“Wow, I just discovered I REALLY HATE Belle & Sebastian. “Dream of Horses”? No, I dream of you learning to sing, then killing yourself.”

“Someday there will be a Mountain Dew for every color of the rainbow. That day is coming very soon. I can feel it.”

“I can press a spot in my neck and make my hand sizzle with electric feeling. That is what is wrong with me.”

“More than once I have mentally mixed up the names of Mickey Rourke and Mickey Rooney. Confusing at best.”

“Pajamas aren’t like regular clothes, right? You can wear them forever without washing them, can’t you?”

“There is an e-mail receipt from “Spandex World” in my inbox. That is all.”

“Ticket for Iceland booked. Let’s hope I don’t get fingerprinted and thrown in a detention camp this time.”

“I think I’m going to learn to play a real guitar. It seems like a better use of my time AND I won’t have to play all this fucking Aerosmith.”